Loss of Identity & The People-Pleaser

This will come as no surprise to most, but I am what most would refer to as a "people-pleaser." I'm not sure where this all began, but it is definitely a full-fledged trait at this point. Call it the Libra mentality or avoiding conflict or whatever, but I like to please people, and I have been damn good at it until now. I want to be happy...and I want everyone else to be happy...so if I can help to make you happy in some way, I am going to try. I have found that this can be a great thing when it comes to parenting, but it is not always good in our other personal relationships. Why? Because some people just can't be pleased. Sometimes that proverbial bar just isn't within reach because it never existed in the first place.

I'm sure most of you are wondering where the loss of identity comes into play, so here we go. Could we really spend so much time and effort trying to please somebody that we lose a part of ourselves in the process? For example, let's just say, you don't like chicken, don't like to drive, only like to go out to lunch on Friday, and love country music. Based on this knowledge, I will not cook chicken when you come over, drive whenever we are together, only ask you to lunch on Friday, and let you tune the radio to a country station...even though I dislike country music for the most part. Can you see where the loss of identity part factors into this equation? Because of my strong desire to please others, I begin to lose some of the things that make me...well, me.

Now, let's take this one step further. You have let me know in some way these aforementioned wants, desires, likes, and dislikes, so I have remembered these things in a type of mental checklist. Without notice, things change and items are added to and erased from the list. With the longer our relationship lasts, my mental checklist begins to include hundreds if not thousands of items. There are so many items at this point that I go through my day trying my best to make sure I do these things in the way that you like. Unfortunately, I fail...often. The people-pleaser in me gets very hurt because I don't want you to be unhappy, but it never seems that I can do things in a way that you would deem correct.

So, I go through life trying to do things according to my mental checklist, but realize in the process that I am very rarely doing things the way that I would choose to do them. Not only that, but I begin to voice my opinion less and am fearful of speaking what is on my mind...even when you ask me, "what is wrong?" This is the loss of identity that comes from just too much people pleasing. I have to finally admit to myself that some people cannot be pleased...no matter how hard we try, and some people will never be happy...and there is nothing we can do about it. Although, maybe some good drugs could help.

Whew! That was deep...I know. Feels good to let it all out.